just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I did not marry a roomba.
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