Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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