If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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