I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
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You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
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"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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