I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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