Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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