I haven't been this sober since birth.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
