i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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