Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
