Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
