I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
