my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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