my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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