I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i now understand why vodka
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
