Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
