dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Girls should come with a carfax report
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
