id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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