I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later