How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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