goodnight i made you a song goodbye
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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