from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
