So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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