My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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