when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
