I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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