if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Randomize
