So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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