Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
