totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
