We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
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We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
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I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize