I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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