Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
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I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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