saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
