My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
