I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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