3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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