6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
