if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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