seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
