Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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