I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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