Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
