GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
