I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
