apparently the secret to your success is patron
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
