mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
