Already got asked if we're dating
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
