On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
This beer is not sobering me up at all
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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