wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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