I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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