I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
