The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
