His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
