Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
