Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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