Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
