even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
