then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
