OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
