Umm I'm too high to move.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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