Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
