don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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